The Lists
by The Lilac Elf of Lothlorien
Summary: Sam finds Dean's personal journal and discovers a series of lists, both poignant and funny. Later, Sam finds himself adding a few lists of his own.  A series of short drabbles based on list ideas-suggestions welcome!
1. The Notebook

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I was watching the movie 'The Bucket List' last month and I got to thinking—what would be on Dean Winchester's bucket list? And what other ideas and lists might be in the head of our favorite demon hunter?

STORY SUMMARY: Sam finds Dean's personal journal and discovers a series of lists that the older Winchester has written down. Some lists are poignant and others are humorous. And Sam finds out more about his brother than he ever imagined.

SUPERNATURAL: The Lists

Chapter 1: The Notebook

The notebook had been tempting Sam Winchester for ages.

Sam had always seen his brother, Dean, writing about cases in a leather-bound like their dad's, but every now and then, Dean would pull out a black moleskine notebook and jot down things when he thought Sam wasn't looking.

Sometimes Sam would hear Dean chuckle about something as he wrote in the notebook, and other times he would look quiet and solemn. But when ever Dean saw Sam watching him, the older Winchester would just put the notebook away to withdraw it again when he wasn't being watched.

Sam remembered asking Dean about the whole thing one day but Dean had just shrugged him off.

It was nearing midnight and Sam was in their motel room while Dean was out at the bar. Glancing over at Dean's bag, Sam's curiosity finally got the better of him and he got up from the table and grabbed Dean's old duffle, dropping it on the bed before opening it up and rooting around until he pulled out the moleskine notebook.

Sam sat down on the bed, opening the notebook and frowning slightly as he stared at the contents of the pages.

There were pages and pages of lists, all written in Dean's handwriting. The notebook was almost three-quarters full and going to the last page, Sam's eyes widened a bit as he started to read.


	2. People I've Forgiven

_People I've Forgiven_

_1. Ruby-for that whole demon blood mes__**s—Hell, if it had been me and that was the only way to save Sam… I'd probably have done the same thing.**_

_2. Mom—__**I can't blame her for making a deal with the demon. Apparently it's a habit that runs in the family.**_

_3. Dad—__**For everything**_

_4. Bobby for pulling a shotgun on Dad—__**Hell, if Dad were here now, **_**I'd**_** take a shot at him**_

_5. Samuel—__**Just because**_

_6. Castiel—__**If there's one person I take for granted more than Bobby, it's him. Poor angel's having a hard enough time with a celestial civil war without dealing with my self-centeredness.**_

x

Sam was surprised that Dean would actually confess to something like that. But this list was full of surprises and as Sam continued reading he saw his own name.

_7. Sam—__**I meant what I said before. Blanket apology for everything—the demon blood, hiding things from me, starting the apocalypse… He's my brother and nothing will ever change that**_

**_x_**

Sam couldn't believe it. A part of him believed that the whole speech had been for Bobby's sake, but apparently Dean had meant every word. But the last item on the list was what really caught Sam off guard

_8. Myself—__**Sam was right. We can't save everyone and even those we've lost—Ellen, Jo, Rufus, Pamela—we can either beat ourselves up over it, or we can learn from our mistakes and move on.**_

_**x**_

Sam stared at the notebook and found that he was suddenly feeling a bit guilty for delving into his brother's personal thoughts. At the same time, Sam wondered what other kinds of lists had Dean made. Saving the rest for another time, Sam closed the notebook and put it back in Dean's bag. If he kept reading now, he'd be busted for sure when his brother got back.

* * *

><p>AN: If anyone has an idea for a list, let me know! I just started this as a way to have a little fun with some random ideas.


	3. The Best Women I've Ever Known

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'm still open for list ideas. Remember, they can be funny or serious. I'm still also working on 'And Fi Makes Three' but I'm just having fun with this first.

Chapter 3

* * *

><p>The next time Sam had managed to get his hands on the notebook, it was nearly a month later and Dean was once again out for the night, although this time he was at an all-night poker game trying to get enough cash to live off of for a few weeks.<p>

Sam had also been happy that Dean had left the Impala at the motel, saying that he was certain he could one of the gals in the game to give him a lift home. Therefore, after driving into town and stopping at the 24-hour copy store, Sam had been able to get the notebook pages scanned and put on a thumb drive to be uploaded to his computer later, after making a few hard copies for perusing later that night..

After getting back to the motel and turning the car off, Sam opened the notebook and decided to start with the first list Dean had written.

_The Best Women I've Ever Known_

_1. Mom—__**She may have grown up to be a hunter, but I still remember her as the best mom and pie-maker in the world. I wonder if Sam even realizes that my pie obsession is my way of remembering Mom.**_

x

Sam blinked as he read the first item on the list. He'd honestly never understood why Dean had such a fixation on pie. But now it did make sense. Remembering Dean's memory of their mother, Sam now wondered how he could have missed the answer to one of his biggest questions.

_2. Lisa—__**She's also on my list of Biggest Mistakes for letting her go. I miss her so much. Maybe someday things'll be different and she and I can give things another chance.**_

_3. Jo—__**Another brilliant example of letting a great girl slip through my fingers.**_

_4. Ellen—__**I hope Sam never finds out about this, but as much as I admired Ellen, she scared me. She was like a female version of Dad sometimes.**_

x

That comparison puzzled Sam a bit, but thinking on it, he had to admit that Dean did have a point.

_5. Anna—__**Except for pulling a Glenn Close in the end, she was probably the coolest angel I've ever known. **_

_6. Ruby__**—Sam will never let me live it down for saying this, but she did save Sam's life. But she's still an evil Hell-bitch**_

_7. Bela—__**She may have been a thief and a bitch, but she had style. **_

_8. Deanna Campbell—__**Sam never met her, but she was probably the coolest grandma ever.**_

x

In different colored ink was one last name and Sam raised an eyebrow as he read what Dean had written.

_9. Gwen Campbell—__**She reminded me a lot of myself when I was younger. I hate that she's dead because of me**_

x

Sam shook his head as he finished the list, again marveling at his brother's thoughts. For all that Sam knew about Dean, these lists were one surprise after another. Glancing at his watch, Sam got out of the car, putting the notebook back in Dean's bag before going to his computer and uploading the scans into his files.


	4. Guilty Pleasures

A/N: This chapter immediatly follows the previous one, but I wanted each list to have it's own chapter.

Chapter 4

* * *

><p>While waiting for the files to finish, Sam looked through what he'd printed out and grinned as the title of one of the other lists caught his eye.<p>

_Guilty Pleasures_

_1. _Dr. Sexy, MD—_**Hey, it's a good show!**_

_2. Sangria—__**Lisa's sister made it once at a party and I probably drank more than all the other guests combined**_

_3. _Titanic—_**Why? Two words: Winslet's rack**_

_4. REO Speedwagon—__**Every time I hear that damn band I think of Jo**_

_5. Country music—__**Especially the songs about drinking beer in Mexico**_

_6. _Supernatural fan fiction_—__**Dear God, if Sam finds out I read that crap, I'll never hear the end of it**_

x

Sam couldn't help the snort of laughter that escaped him. Dean read fan fiction? Making a mental note to do some digging on line, Sam continued reading.

_7. The Food Network—__**I'm not even going to try explaining. It's just entertaining. **_

_8. Carrie Underwood—__**Dude, she's so hot!**_

x

Sam shook his head, smiling as he did so. Man… If the other lists were like this, he would have blackmail material on Dean for the rest of their lives.


	5. If I Didn't Drive An Impala

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Okay, when watching the episode 'My Heart Will Go On' I missed the shot of the car where you could see that it was a Mustang and my first thought was "Man, Dean is going to MURDER whoever put racing stripes on the Impala!" Of course, then I realized that it wasn't the Impala, so…

Anywho, that's how this list came up

Chapter 5

* * *

><p>A haunted auto show…<p>

Sam was starting to wonder if he and Dean had been lured here on purpose. Especially when Dean seemed to lose all focus as they walked around the cars.

"Man, Sammy, have you ever seen so much beauty in one place?" Dean said, beaming as he spotted a brand new blue Dodge Challenger. _'Hello, Gorgeous,'_ he thought, running a hand over the hood.

"Once," Sam said with a smirk. "Remember that job we worked during that computer expo?"

"Nerd," Dean muttered, shaking his head. Hearing Sam laugh, Dean realized he'd been baited and added, "Bitch."

"Jerk," came Sam's usual reply. After a while, Sam said, "Let me ask you something, Dean." Looking at his brother, he asked, "If we didn't drive the Impala, what car would you want?"

Dean just laughed and said, "Sammy, nothing could be better than my baby, alright?"

"Just 'if'," Sam pressed.

Dean shrugged as he looked around. Casually, he threw out, "I've got a list."

"Really?" Sam asked, making a mental note to check the files later that night.

* * *

><p>When Dean fell asleep that night—helped of course by alcohol and the painkillers needed after getting thrown around by the angry spirit—Sam went to his computer, bringing up the locked file that contained Dean's lists and scrolled through till he found what he was looking for. And strangely enough, it was a shorter list that some of the others.<p>

_If I Didn't Drive An Impala_

_1. '66 Ford Mustang—__**It may be one of the most popular classic cars, but it's still a beauty.**_

_2. '71 Dodge Challenger—__**Drove one once when I was 17. The speed on that thing was incredible.**_

_3. Corvette Convertible (any year)—__**It'd be sweet to have the top down, blasting down the open road.**_

x

Sam hadn't been surprised by the first few cars on the list, but it was the next few numbers that he found interesting.

_4. Dodge Ram 1500—__**Heavy-duty shocks, solid, plenty of room. Way better than the Impala on dirt roads.**_

_5. 2010 Chevy Impala—__**Much as I have to admit it, my baby could do with an upgrade.**_

_6. Hummer—__**Probably the only vehicle I can think of that Sammy could fit in without hunching. **_

x

Sam had never thought about it before, but Dean had a point. He did take up a fair amount of space in the Impala and even when he tried to stretch out, he only had an extra inch or two. But Dean actually thought about getting another car because of _him_?

Hearing Dean stir in his sleep, Sam decided to leave the lists alone and try and get some sleep. But as he stretched out diagonally across the bed, Sam wondered if Dean would seriously entertain the idea of getting a new car.


	6. Worst Days of My Life

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'm not going to lie—I only wrote this because I've had a less than spectacular week and I needed a little perspective.

Chapter 6

* * *

><p>It had just been a shitty week from the beginning.<p>

First, Sam and Dean had been on a case in Kansas where people had been vanishing from a farm area and showing up miles away, beaten and bloody with no memory of the attack.

After a few days of investigating, they'd discovered that it was due to some small, yet very targeted twisters.

Then, getting back to the motel, they found that one of the rooms was being suddenly haunted by a homicidal ghost with a thing for younger siblings.

On the way to the hospital, the Impala suddenly died, forcing Dean to call an ambulance for his brother who had started having trouble breathing and a tow truck for his car.

x

A few hours later, sitting in the waiting room, Dean pulled out his notebook, fully intending to add this to his list of 'Worst Days Ever' but stopped as he saw what he'd already written.

_Worst Days of My Life_

_1. Mom's death—__**The day that kicked off everything.**_

_2. Sammy's death—__**They didn't even need to torture me in Hell. They could have just made me relive that day over and over.**_

_3. Dad's death—__**That, and the stupid promise to kill Sammy if I couldn't save him.**_

x

It wasn't the first time Dean had noticed the trend. He hated always feeling like he was losing people.

_4. Sam jumping into the cage_

x

As bad as it had been losing Sam the first time, when Dean had watched his brother fall into the pit, something inside him was ripped apart and nothing had ever been able to fix it.

It was all a cover these days. Every joke Dean cracked, every prank he pulled was just a mask, trying to act like everything was okay.

Dean closed the notebook and—not for the first time—considered throwing it away. He didn't even know why he'd started making the lists in the first place. They were just random thoughts that popped into his head.

Suddenly aware of someone sitting next to him, Dean turned and saw a 16-year-old girl sitting there, looking distressed. "You okay?" he asked her.

The girl shook her head, still staring straight ahead. "No," she replied, half-sobbing. Turning to the man who'd spoken, she sniffled as she said, "My brother, h-he got caught in one of the twisters, and…"

Dean felt a strange connection to this girl and asked, "Younger brother?"

The girl shook her head, crying. "Blake is older than me. He told me to stay in the basement while he ran to get our dog from the back yard." Sniffling again, she said, "It's my fault he was out there."

Dean could sympathize. Putting a hand on the girl's arm, he said, "Look, I know how you feel, okay? I'm an older brother. And I can't count the times I've taken a hit for my little brother. It is _not_ your fault."

"But if something happens to him," the girl said.

Hoping hospital security wouldn't think anything of it, Dean tentatively put his arm around the girl's shoulders and when she hugged him, Dean suddenly wished he was 17 years younger… or this girl was about 10 years older.

xxx

"Family of Blake Shelton?" a doctor called as he stepped into the waiting room.

Corey Shelton woke, a little confused when she felt an arm around her before she remembered sobbing on the shoulder of the older man next to her. The guy nudged her and with a reassuring smile, nodded towards the doctor. "I-I'm Corey Shelton, she said, raising a hand as she stood, surprised that the other guy stood with her.

"Your brother's in recovery now if you want to see him," the doctor said, brightly. "I think he'll be just fine."

Corey let out a sound that was somewhere between a laugh and a relieved sob as he threw her arms around the neck of the guy who had sat with her all night. Giving him one last look before following a nurse to her brother's room, Corey smiled and gave him a nod of thanks.

Dean watched the girl head off and turned to the doctor, looking a bit nervous. "Doc, how's my brother?"

The doctor smiled and replied, "Concussion, couple busted ribs… knee's in bad shape. He'll have to stay off of it for a month or two. But it looks like he should be able to leave in a couple days."

Dean let out a sigh of relief and headed up to Sam's hospital room.

xxxx

When Dean and Sam got ready to check out of the hospital 3 days later, Dean was surprised to find that the insurance had been taken care of.

"There's also this for you," the receptionist said, handing a card to Sam.

Sitting in the hospital-required wheelchair, his knee braced, Sam looked puzzled as he took the card before Dean pushed him outside and to the Impala.

Once in the passenger seat, Sam opened the card and read aloud, "'Sam, you've got a great big brother. Take care of him. Corey.'" Looking at Dean who had an odd smile on his face, he asked, "What's that about?"

"Tell you later, Sammy," Dean promised as he pulled out of the parking lot.

xxx

In his hospital room, Blake Shelton smiled as he looked at the card sitting on the bedside table. Inside, was the message: 'From one big brother to another, take care of your little sister and yourself. Dean.'

He wasn't sure who Dean was, only that he'd stayed with Corey all night when Blake had been admitted. Far as Blake was concerned, that made Dean one of the good guys.


End file.
